TW; Clinical Depression After Miscarriage

DISCLAIMER - I just want to start with a small disclaimer, this post mentions miscarriage, baby loss, bleeding, depression, mental health, self harm, suicide, intimate 'private' stuff and other related things. If any of these things make you uncomfortable or trigger you then you do not have to read any further. This post is going to be really really personal but I do not want to make you guys uncomfortable.

(This may also be quite a long post too - sorry.)

Tattoo by Jamie at Electric Rebel Tattoo 

On the 7th March 2017, I was told the devastating news I had lost my son Alfie. I have never been able to describe anything in my life as 'life-shattering' but this was it - this was the moment my life completely fell apart.

Lets go back a day, one whole day and my naivety sparing me from harsh reality, the 6th March 2017, I went to a private doctor to have some tests - I had been unwell for a few weeks and was unable to keep any food down, everything I ate I threw up. I was tired and fed up and wanted to know what was wrong with me - I knew something wasn't right as I felt different but did not what it was. My Doctor said he would get the tests done that day and should have results either the next day or the day after... went back to work and thought nothing of it, thought maybe I had a stomach bug or something. Well the next day came, my ex and me weren't going through a great time due to other issues anyway, but as soon as I got to work I was asked to go in and the sooner the better - I began to start worrying in honesty, I knew at this point something was wrong.

Well I sat down and all I really can remember after this was just crying and shaking and feeling like my body had betrayed me and my baby - I was suppose to keep him safe, protect him and I failed. I completely and absolutely failed. I went back to work because in honesty, I didn't know what else to do with myself - I was petrified about being left alone and my head was in all sorts of places.

With the issues my ex and me faced, I emailed him the news (I know not the best idea but he wasn't answering my calls and he was also at work etc). Anyway, we had a break planned that he would go away for a few days after the issues we had - but in honesty I wanted him around to deal with the grief with me - I never felt more alone then the way he made me feel during that time, this isn't an attack on him, as we had other issues but the one time I really needed him and the support - I was just completely abandoned. He also chose that week to break up with me. My body was in complete turmoil, I still couldn't eat anything without throwing up - but then the bleeding begun and it was a hundred times worse than a period. My back was excruciating, my stomach felt like someone was trying to ring it dry - and the blood felt never ending.

Well after a lot of things happened, the following Monday I went to the Doctors (I didn't go to work due to exceptional circumstances and I will touch on my work later in this post) I was signed off work due to stress and the words I didn't really want to hear my Doctor say.. Clinical Depression. I had previously had reactive depression as a teenager due to my upbringing with a disabled brother - but never as far as clinical depression. I was referred to my local hospital's mental health unit for a few days after this for coping mechanisms and counselling as I was in a considerably bad state. By this point, I had eaten or drunk anything for days, I had scratched my arms till they were red raw and I had a lot of bad thoughts running through my head. I hated myself, I didn't feel worthy to live anymore after the events of the last week had got too much.

After a week of a lot of medical assessments, new prescription anti-depressants and an emergency counselling service until I could go to a regular counsellor I attempted to go back to work. My ex came on the Friday to pick his things up from my parents house (we lived there together at the time) and that was hard enough. I couldn't understand the hatred he had towards me - it set those horrible little voices off in my head telling me I was worth absolutely nothing.

Fast-forward to the next Tuesday 14th March, and I hit my all time low that night. I hated who I was, everything that had happened to me - I felt totally utterly worthless. The comments from school came flooding back - the arguments with my now ex and everything else, but the main thing was losing my son.

I found some old prescription medication I had for when I broke my ribs - I overdosed. I tried to kill myself.

Everything else is really a blur - the following couple of weeks was spent recovering and getting myself back into a good (well good compared to what I had been) mind state. I spent a lot of time with doctors and mental health professionals. I hit my rock bottom - I never want to go back to that place. I had no support other than my close friends and my family - the one person who I thought would support me was nowhere in sight.

I turned to drink, and that settled the demons for a while until I sobered up and was back in reality - and then the overdose - that was the first time I felt at 'peace' with myself through all this real life horror movie. Waking up in hospital with paramedics, doctors and nurses panicking to keep you alive was a pretty frightening experience - and it hit me even more the pain I had put my family through - the sight my mum would never get out of her head was me laying in my room on the brink. And it made me feel even worse...

Fast forward to December - I got back with my ex during this period however I snapped and I broke up with him. (I will cover the breakdown from this at a later stage but I want to say a huge huge huge thank you to Sussex and Kent Police and the support they have given me and the insight they gave me into emotional and mental abuse - especially Sian my case worker and Abi from the National Domestic Abuse charity).

During this low period, I was off work for my breakdown, I spent most of my days in leggings a long sleeved white top and pink sports jacket. I then started to get 'spontaneous' I had odd moments where I just wanted to do something to myself - to change myself - I cut my fringe myself thinking that would be enough. It wasn't. 

I then phoned up my local tattoo parlour - they managed to fit me in as soon as possible - and that is when the amazing Jamie gave me my first tattoo. 

Funnily enough, when my ex and I were back together we designed a tattoo that we said we would get together - alas that never happened. However, this was it, this was what I needed.

The moment that needle hit my skin - the pain was a comfort - this was what I needed. This was the first time I really felt like I was dealing with the loss of my baby boy.

I followed this up with a further tattoo of the words "L'Amour Toujours" with a butterfly (you can view this over on my Instagram) - in a literal translation from French this means 'Love Always' or 'Love Forever' which I eternally will do. This is also the name of one of my favourite songs (you can listen to this here), the lyrics "I'll Fly with You" also resonate very well with everything else with little Alfie. 

This year was the first mothers day I actually had as a mum with an angel baby - I spoke to a couple of the ladies at a group for bereavement that I go to for support. And a few suggested making a memory box - taking an old shoe box wrapping it in paper and putting items in there that will help you with your loss. I had a few items already at home to put in this box, as well as letters I had written to my son (one letter is a copy of the letter I set off with a balloon on the day that marked 1 year since I lost him - again a massive thank you to Ollie and Mike for your help that day. Sports cars and helium balloons aren't a great match!)

Well this is my story so far... one year has passed and it hasn't got any easier, I've just learn't how to cope better. I will always grieve for you my son, and I will always be your mummy - no matter where you are.

Rest In Peace

Aflie Mason Diggory Schofield

Taken on the 7th March 2017.

Mummy will fly with you forever.

💕💕💕

Introducing The Dream Car...

As promised I would do a post about my beloved car. Since passing my test, cars and in particular my car has been a big part of my life. It has opened so many horizons and now I can just drive with no destination and play my music and have a lot of fun!

Anyway, let me introduce her... (apologies if this isn't your sort of post - this will be a post of technical information about the car and also a 'I love her so much do not offend her in any way' post!)

Annabelle - Audi TT S-Line TFSI 2L Sports Car

Photo Courtesy of Paul from Cherished Photos

Firstly, yes  I have named her! Also you can't beat a bit of alliteration - Annabelle the Audi, she gets nicknamed Belles when I want her to go quickly in sport mode...

Technical Information

My car has a Tip-Tronic Sports gear box  (S-Tronic Gearbox) which goes up to 6 gears in both standard Auto and Sports, for those who don't know what this is its a gearbox that is mainly automatic setup, however you can opt to override this and put the car into manual or sports mode. According to the users guide in the car, the car can go from 0-60mph in 5.8 seconds, however it is worth noting that companies like Audi do tend to post the 'slower' average of times in the speed test - whilst driving the car in (somewhat) test conditions from a launch, my good friend Ollie and myself managed to get this to 5.6 seconds on the stop-clock without trying too hard (I won't say how quickly we got his Cayman GTS to go though that he had on lease whilst in the country!).

The car runs on Petrol; I also have 19 inch wheels and diamond cut alloys on the car, these came as standard with the S-Line edition of the car.

I have a non-Quattro car - for some people this is controversial as Audi is so renowned for their Quattro cars - however having a front wheel drive car is fun! When the car is in Dynamic mode (I'll touch on drive select modes in a moment) she's very jumpy and always ready to jump off the lights as soon as they turn green.

Ownership

As I've previously mentioned, this car was a dream car and in all honesty it all started out as a joke. I was originally looking at Audi A1/S1's (again still sporty but not an actual sports car) as I thought this would be practical and the insurance wouldn't be so high.. well my friend Josie and I started looking online at my local dealer (big thanks to Tunbridge Wells Audi and Steve who sold me the car back in April 2017). As a joke, we thought we would start looking at the Finance calculators on an Audi TT MK2 ( I think it was a 2012 registered car) and it was actually affordable (including the insurance surprisingly). Well I booked a test drive with my dad and went to go and see the car, turned out it sold that morning, however the salesman told me to still come down as he had another newer car in stock within my price range.

Anyway, we made our way to the car dealership, walked in and then took us out to the car, and that car was Annabelle - a 2016 (66 registration) Audi MK3 TT Coupe. First impressions were, its amazing. It had a more aggressive look then her predecessors of the MK1 and MK2, and the MK3 is stylised from the R8 (hence the car's nickname of the Mini R8).

We took her on the test drive, thankfully just me and my dad as there is a height safety limitation for the rear 2 seats due to the slanted sports roof. We got to be really honest whilst driving the car and really see what we liked and didn't like - there wasn't much not to like. The car ticked all my boxes - the only thing my dad was concerned about was that the car is very quick and very torque'y (great terminology there I know 😂) - but otherwise he even agreed that the car was quite literally perfect. 

We got back to the dealer, ran over some of the figures and everything still matched up perfectly. I so desperately wanted to say yes... but I had to walk away and really asses if this was the right option. It took me a matter of the 30 minute journey home and being home for a further 30 minutes for me to pick the phone up and pay the deposit on the car! And still to this day it was the best decision I ever made!!

I've nearly owned her for a year on the 17 April 2018 and this car still never fails to put a whacking great big smile on my face, she's a car that is easy to drive on a commuter journey but also handles fantastically when having a bit of fun - the car is also completely standard (I haven't re-mapped her, thought about it but decided not to) and I can still get pops and bangs out of her exhaust in sports mode.

One of the few downsides is that she really really hates the cold - like really hates it. The car is a littler jerkier in the cold and when the ice comes well that's a whole different story. The windows completely freeze up and therefore getting into the car is difficult...

I absolutely love the interior setup of the car - its perfectly setup with the driver being the main focus. Everything in the virtual dash is in front of you - which is perfect for driving alone, your music, your dash warnings, your mileage and fuel consumption are all available in front of you with one easy click of a button.

In short, owning this car was a dream come true - and she still keeps making my dreams come true every day!

If you want to see more car posts (tbh my Instagram is just mainly my car nowdays...) then you can follow me on Instagram @emmavictoriaa95

Well here is my ride... sorry if this post wasn't for you - but you can always contact me about something you want me to discuss further - no idea is a bad idea!

Much Love

Here is to New Beginnings...

Well, it has been a long time since I posted on this blog. The last 2 years have been very different and have been amazing and horrible all at the same time.

The ups included passing my driving test and buying and owning my dream car (I now have a new dream car - keep setting goals to achieve!) - for those wondering about the car I will do a whole separate post about her soon, sneak peek over on my Instagram though!

The downs involved the miscarriage of my son, Alfie being the biggest of them all. Even now I'm not quite over this and in brutal honesty I don't think I ever will be. Being diagnosed with Clinical Depression was also a very hard thing to have to come to terms with. Again, I will be doing more in depth posts regarding the above as this is something I want to discuss in further detail. The breakdown of my relationship which I believed was 'my true love' also contributed to all the rubbish that has happened.

Despite the above, I'm still here and I'm still breathing each day and making it through each day.

I will aim to post once a week, I haven't decided what day yet as I need to try and work it round my work schedule but a pattern will soon form.

I hope you enjoy the new name and layout of the blog and I hope all those who followed my journey previously will continue on the ride.. and welcome to any new passengers!

The last thing I want to say is... this blog is a safe place for everyone. If you don't want to comment publicly then you can contact me directly to chat or via my Twitter or Instagram pages. But I want people to be able to confide in me and me to be there for them - because that is what has got me through the tough times is people being there and even just being an ear to listen.

Well over and out until my next post which will be within the next week.

I love you all and here is to the new start

*champagne flutes chink*